All of these Emotions

Here lately I have been on an emotional roller coaster. It seems like so many things are working against me. Being clean and sober comes with the harsh return of emotions. When I was in active addiction I would cloud out any extreme emotion with drugs, alcohol seemed to intensify them. Now that I am clean and sober that numbness is not an option nor something I would even dare to desire.

At times when I've had a stressful day I imagine how I used to have a glass or two of wine and that would calm my nerves. But I know that small amount of comfort could lead to a huge amount of pain. I suck it up and take it like a woman; men couldn't possibly fathom even the idea of what emotional states women go into.

Now that I have been clean and sober for awhile I have come up with a new set of coping techniques. When I've had a hard day I usually stay in the kitchen for awhile cooking or just pacing while I text my husband. I look to him for comfort and it works. I know many of you out there don't have a significant other, so I urge you to find a meeting and get some phone numbers. If you aren't able to do that then make sure to have a friend or family member you can't count on to just listen to you vent so that all of your emotions don't stay bottled up; eventually they will explode.

I myself have anxiety, depression, ADD and OCD. Most addicts have OCD seeing how being an addict consists of being obsessed with a drug, using on compulsion and definitely have a disorder. We are not like other people, we are very unique and need special care. Addicts are usually super smart people. I am pretty smart I must say, I graduated with a 3.17 GPA and maintained that GPA throughout vocational school. I am now a student at Ohio Christian University pursuing my Bachelor's Degree in Substance Abuse/Addictions Counseling. You see I gave up hope on continuing education because of my Felony charge of Possession of Cocaine. Being a convicted felon keeps me from getting a job at almost any business I apply. I knew I couldn't be a psychiatrist because they write prescriptions. I told my last Probation Officer about my doubts and she told me that I could be a counselor and still be able to continue my education. I found a good school and started immediately. I have been getting straight A's so far.

Being an addict doesn't mean we lose intelligence, we think too much about everything. I encourage you all suffering to make a change and be the person you want to be. There is always new hope. There are always places that are meant for people like us to be hired.

I encourage any of you that read my post to contact me if you have any questions. You don't have to be the addict, you could be a friend or family member that have concerns about a loved one. I am here to help. One saying in all of the anonymous groups is that you can't keep what you have without giving it away. This means in order to remain humble and serene I must pass the message to others.

I'M HERE AND I'M FREE!!!!